After the Lust Wears Off |
They indicate that in the beginning of their relationship their men could not keep their hands off of them, but then after a few months sex has. I know and understand the trouble, pain and suffering that come too, from being in a bad relationship AFTER the love and intensity wears off. No relationship can feel new and exciting forever – the secret is realizing that's I bet she only ever wears matching lace underwear, watches.
I do not recognize it and therefore have trouble accepting it.
The Thing No One Tells You About Relationships | HuffPost
D has settled into the rhythm of the relationship and has become comfortable, and I have not yet. I still want it to be new and fresh and unpredictable and wild and loving and intense because that is all that I know of the good side of love. I still feel loved by him. I cannot say either of us seems bored or apathetic.
I recognize too that most people need to seek out that balance and re-center themselves after many months in a state of high intensity with a new love. Healthy people need the peace of being themselves again. I lack it because it was never a part of my life. My life has been a string of highs and lows, extreme ups and downs; all of which have centered around a man, or lack thereof.
The Thing No One Tells You About Relationships
Let me put it this way: I know and understand the intensity of love, lust and infatuation that comes with a NEW relationship.
Too many, if you ask me. I know and understand the highs and lows of that same state. I know and understand the trouble, pain and suffering that come too, from being in a bad relationship AFTER the love and intensity wears off.
I have never in my life experienced a healthy relationship. And so, this new phase that is now upon me is, quite frankly, a little intimidating. I have no point of reference to know what is right and what is wrong. For example, how often should I expect D to write me emails or call me or come over?
Should I be upset if he is sometimes too tired to make love? How often should I expect him to send me flowers, or write me love songs? I never know if I am asking for too much or not enough. They have only The Relationship. What do I do?
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My whole life is not necessarily all about D. Many of you know that as part of my recovery, I have challenged myself to put more effort into a career.
I work on my writing, I spend time with my children, I still work as a graphic designer 30 hours per week; I even go out with friends and family, keep up the yard work, clean and maintain my house and deal with my finances and everything else.
And yet, I still feel needy and pulled into the drama or lack thereof of The Relationship.
And it is not only the food itself that makes the experience memorable, but all of the other aspects as well especially the person with whom you are sharing the experience.
Eating a hamburger is often done alone; fine dining is rarely done alone. Similar to fine dining, developing a relationship requires attention to details: We should not expect a gourmet meal to give us the same jolt as a juicy burger.
It is not designed for that purpose. We cannot compare the experience of fine dining with the experience of chowing down on a burger even with fries! If you expect the same high intensity experience from fine dining as from the local drive-thru you will be disappointed. In fact, it is often said that one should never go to a fine restaurant starving because it is difficult to savor the experience when the only thing you can think about is satisfying hunger pangs.
The same could be said about a relationship: Many men go into a relationship simply looking to satisfy a hunger. They want the burger. Once satisfied, however, they may no longer be interested in hanging around. They present themselves as a burger and then expect the relationship will evolve into fine dining.
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Many of them have been brought up on a diet of burgers and fast food; they do not know much about the art of fine dining. Thus, when in a relationship they expect the same high intensity as they experienced when in pursuit of the burger porn.
And they are disappointed when they find that the daily, on-going relationship does not meet that expectation. In an attempt to preserve the relationship while at the same time meet their need for a high intensity experience, they frequently turn to porn.
It is similar to their craving for the hamburger even when they can have a home cooked meal. If we look at relationships in terms of merely satisfying a need or urge rather than a fine dining experience, once the need is satisfied the relationship will end.
Statistically, relationships based on lust or romantic love last from three to seven months. In order for a relationship to endure the test of time, there must be much more to it than lust or romantic love. It must have substance. As indicated earlier, a fine dining experience is more than just about the food.
The food, of course, is important, but without the ambiance, service, decor, and presentation, the experience will not endure as memorable and we probably would not return again. One does not have to learn to enjoy a hamburger.